[this is called: Talkin' John Birch Blues. And there ain't nothing wrong with this song]
G C
Well, I was feelin' sad and kind'a blue,
D
I didn't know what I was a-gonna do,
G C
Them Communists wus a-comin' around,
D
They wus in the air,
They wus on the ground.
G . C . D . . G . . .
They wus all over.
So I run down most hurriedly
And joined the John Birch Society,
got me a secret membership card
And went back home to the yard,
Started lookin' on the sidewalk,
under the hedges.
Well, I got up in the mornin' 'n' looked under my bed,
I wus lookin' every place for them gol-darned Reds.
Looked behind the sink, and under the floor,
Looked in the glove compartment of my car.
Couldn't find any . . .
Looked behind the clothes, behind my chair
lookin' for them reds everywhere
looked up my chimney hole,
even deep down inside my toilet bowl,
They got away . . .
I heard some foot-steps by the front porch door,
so I grabbed my shot-gun from the floor.
Snuck around the house with a huff and a hiss,
saying "Hands up, you communist!"
It was the mailman.
He punched me out.
Well, I wus sittin' home alone an' started to sweat,
Figured they wus in my T.V. set.
I peeked behind the picture frame,
Got a shock from my feet that hit my brain.
Them Reds did it!
Hootenanny Television . . .
Well, I quit my job so I could work alone,
got a magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes.
Followed some clues from my detective bag
And discovered: red stripes on the American flag!
Betsy Ross . . .
Now Eisenhower, he's a Russian spy,
Lincoln, Jefferson and that Roosevelt guy.
To my knowledge there's just one man
That's really a true American:
That's George Lincoln Rockwell.
I know for a fact he hates Commies cus he picketed the movie Exodus.
Well, I fin'ly started thinkin' straight
When I run outa things to investigate.
Couldn't imagine nothing else,
So now I'm home investigatin' myself!
Hope I don't find out too much . . . Good God!
Verses not sung in the released version:
Now we all agree with Hitlers' views, Although he killed six million Jews. It don't matter too much that he was a Fascist, At least you can't say he was a Communist! That's to say like if you got a cold you take a shot of malaria. Well, I investigated all the books in the library, Ninety percent of 'em gotta be burned away. I investigated all the people that I knowed, Ninety-eight percent of them gotta go. The other two percent are fellow Birchers . . . just like me.
Live 1964 (The Philharmonic Hall)
["This is called, 'Talkin' John Birch ... PARANOID ... Blues' It's a fictitious story..."]
Well, I was feelin' sad and kind of blue, I didn't know what I was gonna do, The Communists were comin' around, They were in the air, They were on the ground. They were all over. So I ran down most hurriedly And joined the John Birch Society, I got me a secret membership card went back to my back yard, Started lookin' on the sidewalk, 'neath the rose bush. I wus lookin' everywhere for them gol-darned Reds, I got up in the mornin' looked under my bed, Looked behind the kitchen, behind the door, even tore loose the kitchen floor, Couldn't find any . . . I looked beneath the sofa, beneath the chair lookin' for them reds everywhere I looked way up my chimney hole, even deep down inside my toilet bowl, They got away . . . I heard some foot-steps by the front porch door, so I grabbed my shot-gun from the floor. Snuck around the house with a huff and a hiss, saying "Hands up, you communist!" It was the mailman. He punched me out. Well, I quit my job so I could work alone, got a magnifying glass like Sherlock Holmes. Following some clues from my detective bag I discovered there was red stripes on the American flag! Did you know about Betsy Ross . . .? Well, I was sittin' home alone an' I started to sweat, I figured they wus in my television set. I peeked behind the picture frame, Got a shock from my feet that hit my brain. Them Reds did it! The ones on Hootenanny! Well, I fin'ly started thinkin' straight When I run outa things to investigate. I couldn't imagine doing anyhing else, So now I'm home investigatin' myself! Hope I don't find out too much . . . Good God!